The guy who invented the throat lozenge passed away. There will be no coffin at the funeral.

My friend told me to cheer up. He said I could be stuck underground in a hole full of water. He means well.

To the guy who invented the zero I just want to say thanks for nothing.

The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of the people understand this. 

I sold my vacuum cleaner. It was just collecting dust. 

What do zombie vegans eat? Grains!

The rotation of the earth really makes my day.

Paraprosdokians

The first time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them. Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous (Winston Churchill loved them).

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, anymore than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You are never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.

18. I went to town to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included.

LEXOPHILIA

How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.

Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

When chemists die, they barium.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

Broken pencils are pointless.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.

A man's home is his castle... in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard and the 6 year old says, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss. “The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.” WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts. “You can stay there until I let you out!”

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do you want for breakfast, young man?”  “I don ‘t know, “he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”

A Doctor’s Visit

A guy goes to his psychiatrist’s office dressed in nothing but Saran Wrap. He asks the doctor, “So tell me, Doc, what do you think is wrong with me?” Doctor: “Well, clearly, I can see your nuts.”
 

Tonsils Vs. Circumcision

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m getting my tonsils out, and I’m afraid.”

The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It’s a breeze.’” The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”

The first kid says, “Circumcision.” “Whoa!” the second kid replies, “Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”

"I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but when it did it was poultry in motion!"

"Always borrow money from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back."

Another Observation from Denny...

"It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels."

These are actual warning labels:

On a salt packet - WARNING contains salt. Darn! I wanted sugar!
On a can of aerosol cheese - For best results remove cap. But then my hair gets messed up.
On an air freshener - For use by trained personnel only. Well back to school.
On a dog medicine - Alcohol may intensify the effects. At least my dog is a happy drunk.
On a letter opener - safety goggles recommended. Hard hat, too?
On a travel pillow - Do not use while sleeping. Let me sleep on that one and get back to you.
On a disposable razor - Do not use in an earthquake. Well don't you want to look good for FEMA?
On a can of tuna - CAUTION: contains fish. Hear that Jessica Simpson?

1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks the slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well night.
5. Change is inevitable except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars-in the world end-to-end someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. God gave you toes for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

I heard on the news that a truck loaded with 2000 lbs of human hair wrecked on the Jersey turnpike, scattering its load. The hair was headed to a wig factory. Police are still combing the area.

Amazing, simple home remedies:

1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
3. A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be afraid to cough.
5. You need only two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct tape.
6. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one if it really wants to change.

How many fishermen does it take to change a light bulb?
Five - and you should have seen the size of that bulb! Five of us weren't enough!

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two. One to screw it in most of the way, and one to give it that surprising twist at the end.