guy who invented the throat lozenge passed away. There will be no
coffin at the funeral.
friend told me to cheer up. He said I could be stuck underground in
a hole full of water. He means well.
the guy who invented the zero I just want to say thanks for nothing.
difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line.
Only a fraction of the people understand this.
sold my vacuum cleaner. It was just collecting dust.
do zombie vegans eat? Grains!
rotation of the earth really makes my day.
The first time I heard about paraprosdokians, I liked them.
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a
sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently
humorous (Winston Churchill loved them).
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting
it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, "In case of
emergency, notify... " I answered " a doctor."
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a
parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, anymore than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You are never too old to learn something stupid.
17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and
harder for me to find one now.
18. I went to town to buy some batteries, but they weren’t included.
How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a typo.
I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd
never met herbivore.
When chemists die, they barium.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because
she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The
police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last.
who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A man's home is his castle... in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg, but broke it off.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
Local Area Network in Australia - the LAN down under.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.
A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of
war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the
Euphrates, the most valuable diamond in the ancient world.
Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan.
Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it." "But I paid a
million dinars for it," the King protested. "Don't you know who I
am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star,
makes no difference who you are."
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. Unfortunately, all the Swiss League records were destroyed
in a fire, and so we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
A man rushed into a busy doctor's surgery and shouted, "Doctor! I
think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle
down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long,
thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the chief, telling him to
bite off, chew, and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After
a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling.
The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on
complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely
saying, "I must have taken Leif off my census."
No matter how much you push the envelope, it will
still will be stationery.
Someone made a hole in the wall of the nudist camp. The police are
looking into it.
Two silk worms had a race but they ended up in a tie.
A vulture boards a plane carrying two dead raccoons. The flight
attendant said, "Sorry, only one carrion allowed."
Did you hear about the guy who refused Novocain before his root
canal. He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Punography on words:
· I tried to catch some fog. I mist.
· When chemists die, they barium.
· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop
· How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on
· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words
· They told me I had type A blood, but it was a type-O. .
· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
· A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her
· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
· What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds..
· I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
· Broken pencils are pointless.
· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A
· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool ..
· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
· All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen.
Police say they have nothing to go on.
· I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
· Velcro - what a rip off!
· Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
A 6 year old
and a 4 year old are raking the yard and the 6 year old says, “You
know what? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss. “The
4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,
“When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and
you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks
the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell,
Mom I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.” WHACK! He flies out of his
chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs
crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his
rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts. “You
can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4
year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do you want for
breakfast, young man?” “I don ‘t know, “he blubbers, “but you
can bet your fat ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
A Doctor’s Visit
A guy goes to his psychiatrist’s office dressed in
nothing but Saran Wrap. He asks the doctor, “So tell me, Doc, what
do you think is wrong with me?” Doctor: “Well, clearly, I can see
Tonsils Vs. Circumcision
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on
stretchers next to each other outside the operating room, the first
surgeries of the day. The first kid leans over and asks, “What are
you in here for?” The second kid says, “I’m getting my tonsils out,
and I’m afraid.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry
about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep and
when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-o and ice cream. It’s a
breeze.’” The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?”
The first kid says, “Circumcision.” “Whoa!” the
second kid replies, “Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was
born. Couldn’t walk for a year.”
An age old question
"I don't know why the
chicken crossed the road, but when it did it was poultry in motion!"
"Always borrow money
from a pessimist. They don't expect to be paid back."
Observation from Denny...
"It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence,
and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels."
actual warning labels:
On a salt packet - WARNING contains salt. Darn! I wanted sugar!
On a can of aerosol cheese - For best results remove cap. But then my hair gets
On an air freshener - For use by trained personnel only. Well back to school.
On a dog medicine - Alcohol may intensify the effects. At least my dog is a
On a letter opener - safety goggles recommended. Hard hat, too?
On a travel pillow - Do not use while sleeping. Let me sleep on that one and get
back to you.
On a disposable razor - Do not use in an earthquake. Well don't you want to look
good for FEMA?
On a can of tuna - CAUTION: contains fish. Hear that Jessica Simpson?
A guy jumps out of a
plane but his chute doesn't open.
Neither does his reserve. While he is
trying to figure out what to do he sees
a guy in a squat position and holding a
match, coming UP! He yells to the
guy, "What do you know about
parachutes?" The guy yells back,
"Nothing. What do you know about
lighting water heaters?"
1. Light travels faster
than sound. This is why some people
appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A
tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks the
4. A day without sunshine is like, well
5. Change is inevitable except from a
6. Those who live by the sword get shot
by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a
sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Any time you have
a 50-50 chance of getting something
right, there's a 90% probability you'll
get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all
the cars-in the world end-to-end someone
from California would be stupid enough
to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one
just like it.
11. The things that come to those who
wait, may be the things left by those
who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat
for a day. Teach a man to fish and he
will sit in a boat all day drinking
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead
14. God gave you toes for finding
furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are
putting yourself in the hands of twelve
people who weren't smart enough to get
out of jury duty.
News Flash from Denny...
I heard on the news that a truck loaded
with 2000 lbs of human hair wrecked on
the Jersey turnpike, scattering its
load. The hair was headed to a wig
factory. Police are still combing the
Amazing, simple home remedies:
1. Avoid cutting yourself when slicing
vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you chop.
2. Avoid arguments with the females about lifting the toilet seat by using the
3. A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling
over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
4. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you'll be
afraid to cough.
5. You need only two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct tape. If it doesn't move and
should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the Duct tape.
6. If you can't fix it with a hammer, you've got an electrical problem.
You know how I am about
puns. So I decided to send 10 to
Reader's Digest. I was hoping at least a
couple would be accepted BUT NO PUN IN
How many divorced men
does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Doesn't matter. They never get the house
How many psychiatrists
does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one if it really wants to change.
How many fishermen
does it take to change a light bulb?
Five - and you should have seen the size
of that bulb! Five of us weren't enough!
How many mystery
writers does it take to screw in a light
Two. One to screw it in most of the way,
and one to give it that surprising twist
at the end.
I have been an insomniac for
years. I am so desperate, I have tried some
unusual solutions. I even tried inhaling
helium but it kept me up!
A knight was on a mission to save a princess locked in a tower of
a castle. To get to the castle he had to cross a bridge. Under the bridge lived
the dreaded Yellow Fingers. How to cross over without having to face the ogre.
He decided to send his assistant over first to distract the Yellow Fingers so he
could cross safely. You might say he let his page do the walking through the
IT'S SO HOT .....the birds have to use potholders to pull
the worms out of the ground.
......the trees are whistling for the dogs.
......the best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
......hot water comes from both taps.
......you can make sun tea instantly.
......you learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
......the temperature drops below 90 F and you feel a little chilly.
......you discover that in July it only takes two fingers to steer your car.
......you discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.
......you actually burn your hand opening the car door.
......you break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 A.M.
......your biggest motorcycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end
up lying on the pavement and cook to death"?
......you realize that asphalt has a liquid stage.
......the potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and
......the cows are giving evaporated milk.
......farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying
IT'S SO DRY that the Baptists are starting to baptize by sprinkling, the
Methodists are using wet-wipes, the Presbyterians are giving rain checks, and
the Catholics are praying for the wine to turn back into water!
- World's largest stove destroyed by fire
- Young marines make tasty Christmas treats
- Students cook and serve grandparents
- Parents keep kids home to protest school closure
- Self help network asks businesses for assistance
- Experts: fewer blows to the head would reduce brain damage
- Tiger Woods plays with own balls, Nike says
- Police seeking man handcuffed to chair
- Doobie tickets on sale for joint show
- Threat disrupts plan to meet about threats
25 toilet seats
stolen from Home Depot,
nothing to go on.
A guy comes home to his apartment and smells cigar smoke. He
accuses his wife of fooling around. She vehemently denies this as he searches
the apartment. He looks out the window and sees a guy leaving smoking a cigar.
In a fit of rage he pushes the refrigerator out the window onto the guy. He then
grabs his chest and has a heart attack. Cut to the pearly gates. Three guys are
standing before St Peter. St Pete asks the first how he got there. He replies,"
I dunno. I was walking out of my building and, boom, here I am." He asks our
heart attack how he got there. He says, "Uh well, I was a moving furniture and
had a heart attack." So St Pete gets to the third guy. "How did you get here?"
He says, "Well there I was sitting in the refrigerator, smoking a cigar, minding
my own business......"
I watched Pawn Stars last night, I love that program.
A guy came on with the first Tic Tac ever made and it was still in
Did you know, Waldo's girl friend left him? She got tired
of waiting for him to find himself.
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