7/14/2020

Sent in by Rex Hon (66-67).

Puns for Educated Minds (Some oldies included)

The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from an algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. (Groucho Marx?)

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says , 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

Sent in by Mike Reetz (66-67) and several others.

For Those Who Love the Philosophy of Ambiguity, as well as the idiosyncrasies of English.

1. Don't Sweat The Petty Things And Don't Pet The Sweaty Things.
2. One Tequila, Two Tequila, Three Tequila, Floor.
3. Atheism Is A Non-Prophet Organization.
4. If Man Evolved From Monkeys And Apes, Why Do We Still Have Monkeys And Apes?
5. The Main Reason That Santa Is So Jolly Is Because He Knows Where All The Bad Girls Live.
6. I Went to a Bookstore and asked the Saleswoman, "Where's the Self-Help section?" She said If she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
7. What If There Were No Hypothetical Questions?
8. If A Deaf Child Signs Swear Words, Does His Mother Wash His Hands With Soap?
9. If Someone With Multiple Personalities Threatens To Kill Himself, Is It Considered A Hostage Situation?
10. Is There Another Word For Synonym?
11. Where Do Forest Rangers Go To "Get Away From It All?"
12. What Do You Do When You See An Endangered Animal Eating An Endangered Plant?
13. If A Parsley Farmer Is Sued, Can They Garnish His Wages?
14. Would A Fly Without Wings Be Called A Walk?
15. Why Do They Lock Gas Station Bathrooms? Are They Afraid Someone Will Clean Them?
16. If A Turtle Doesn't Have A Shell, Is He Homeless Or Naked?
17. Can Vegetarians Eat Animal Crackers?
18. If The Police Arrest A Mime, Do They Tell Him He Has The Right To Remain Silent?
19. Why Do They Put Braille On The Drive-Through Bank Machines?
20. How Do They Get Deer To Cross The Road Only At Those Yellow Road Signs?
21. What Was The Best Thing Before Sliced Bread?
22. One Nice Thing About Egotists: They Don't Talk About Other People.
23. Does The Little Mermaid Wear An Algebra?
24. Do Infants Enjoy Infancy As Much As Adults Enjoy Adultery?
25. How Is It Possible To Have A Civil War?
26. If One Synchronized Swimmer Drowns, Do The Rest Drown Too?
27. If You Ate Both Pasta And Antipasto, Would You Still Be Hungry?
28. If You Try To Fail, And Succeed, Which Have You Done?
29. Whose Cruel Idea Was It For The Word 'Lisp' To Have 'S' In It?
30. Why Are Hemorrhoids Called "Hemorrhoids" Instead Of "Assteroids"?
31. Why Is It Called Tourist Season If We Can't Shoot At Them?
32. Why Is There An Expiration Date On Sour Cream?
33. If You Spin An Oriental Person In A Circle Three Times, Do They Become Disoriented?
34. Can An Atheist Get Insurance Against Acts Of God?

1. Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

2. Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

3. If a word is misspelled in the dictionary, how would we ever know?

4. If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

5. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

6. Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

7. Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?

8. Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

9. Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

10. Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?

11. Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

12. Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

13. Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?

14. Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

15. Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

16. If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

19. If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

20. Why is bra singular and panties plural?

21. Why do you press harder on the buttons of a remote control when you know the batteries are dead?

22. Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?

23. How come abbreviated is such a long word?

24. Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

25.. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

26. Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

27. Christmas - What other time of the year do you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks?

28. Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway ?

1. Do not walk behind me. I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me. I may not follow. Do not walk beside me. Just leave me alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

9. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in your boat all day.

11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

12. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

13. Some days you're the bug. Some days you're the windshield.

14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

15. Good judgment comes from bad experiences, and a lot of them.

16. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

17. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

18. Duct tape is like 'The Force'. It has a light side and a dark side; and it holds the universe together.

19. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither works.

20. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

21. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

22. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Last but not least...

23. Never take a sleeping pill and a laxative the same night.

I was visiting my daughter when I asked if I could borrow the newspaper. She said. "I don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad." I can tell you one thing; that fly never knew what hit him.

- I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
- When chemists die, they barium.
- Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
- I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
- How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
- This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
- I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
- I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
- They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
- Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
- We're going on a class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
- I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
- Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
- When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
- Broken pencils are pointless.
- I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
- What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
- England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
- I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
- I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
- I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
- Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
- A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
- Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
- The earthquake in Washington obviously was the government's fault.
- Velcro - what a rip off!